Devin Dearing Preston: NYC writer, playwright, and storyteller

But I don’t even like twinkies

March 24, 2010

Have you ever been on diet? Okay, ladies, you are going to relate to this. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I was born on a diet. There isn’t a single time in my life where I have guiltlessly enjoyed any kind of food. And No, steamed vegetables and broiled chicken do not count as food in this instance. Because who really “enjoys” consuming those anyway? You know what I’m talking about. The tasty stuff. That is packed with fats and calories. And for most of us, comes at the price of a bigger ass and enviable love handles.

So, when I speak of the process that takes over your mind the instant you proclaim to the world, “That’s it! I’m going on a diet!”, you all know what I’m talking about.

Your body begins to panic. And fight you on your new-found determination.

“What do you mean I can’t have desert?”

“But we LOVE pizza.”

“How do you expect to get drunk if you don’t drink beer?”

“How long do you intend to torture me like this?!”

And if you can stand up to yourself, it even seems like the universe is against you. Temptation surrounds you as if in a dream. You look down the street and there are not one but five skinny bitches enjoying a chilli dog, while holding an ice cream cone, and drinking a real Coca-cola. Your coworker has  baked his famous red velvet
cup cakes, cause its Tuesday. Your local coffee shop throws in a complimentary pastry, to thank you for being such a good regular. And this all before dinner. 

And if you are still able to laugh in the face of temptation and hold strong to the image of yourself in a string bikini laying on the beach next to a chiseled latin man as he calls you a skinny goddess and feeds you rice cakes at sunset, the cravings you can experience are profound. Those hostess cupcakes at the Bodega where you buy your cigarettes are looking like heaven. “But I don’t even like Twinkies!” you find yourself screaming as you settle for the sugarless gum instead.

Yeah, that’s about where I am with this celibacy nonsense. I found myself flirting with an old man who easily weighed 350 pounds today. I had not anticipated my longing for male attention to be completely void of my previous taste.

“But you don’t even like Twinkies!!!”, I scolded myself. And because  I can’t have a man just yet and am not actually on a diet, I went out and had a steak with french fries and some cheese cake instead.

Categories: See Jane Give Up Dick

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