Devin Dearing Preston: NYC writer, playwright, and storyteller

The sluttiest celibate of all time: Part 1

August 4, 2010

A dear friend of mine teases me relentlessly. She is happily married. And thinks my men troubles are endlessly hilarious. I happen to agree with her. The crux of her argument is that I seem to have no standards set when it comes to choosing who I agree to go on a date with. That’s not entirely true. I have standards. They are just quite low. 

“You will go out with anyone!” she laughs. And it’s funny because it’s true. You have a better shot at getting a date with me than getting an STD from a twenty-dollar hooker. And those bitches are nasty.

She argues that I would have a better time if I didn’t agree to go out with losers I’m not attracted to in the first place. She’s crazy, right? She doesn’t see the deeply rooted backwards logic that is at work. It makes all the sense in the world to me. You see, the losers are guaranteed to like me. And loving me is half the battle. I just have to learn to like them in return. 

Yeah. I might have low self-esteem.

That’s not the joke. Okay, it’s kinda funny. But, not that funny.  Seriously.
Stop laughing! I mean it. I really do. There’s a lonely little fat girl living inside of me who honestly believes these outcasts are as good as she can do. And going out with them appeases her. Otherwise, she makes me eat an entire two tier chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce. Before dinner.

Are you honestly surprised? You obviously haven’t known many creative types. And I have only gotten far enough in therapy to recognize the problem. I’m not quite sure what “cures” low self-esteem. Probably two more years and  8,300 more dollars. I do know that sleeping with a lot of men doesn’t make it any better. I think that it might even make a person feel worse. But going to dinner with sub par freaks is less self-destructive, at least. Right? It just happens to be a lot more telling. Waiters usually look at me with these sad guys as if I’m just another working girl on the clock. (Which is flattering. You have to be pretty cute to be a call girl these days)

I am also a chronic serial crusher. Correction, I was, in a past life of extreme self loathing. I’m in recovery. I’ve worked the steps. Yet, sadly, the longest “relationships” in my life have been entirely one-sided pine fests over some gorgeous guy who didn’t even know I existed. George Clooney, I’m still single, if you are reading this. So, I have good taste. But have learned, with the rest of the country, that “he’s just not that into you” if he isn’t asking you out. So, I’ve lowered the bar. Considerably. If he is asking me out and isn’t married or clearly on crack, I’ll go out with him. Everyone deserves a chance at love.

 I currently have more dates than I know what to do with. I’m going out with a different guy every night this week. I want to know how I transformed from a Kathy comic strip to Scarlet O’Hara at the barbecue ?  Keep in mind that most of these guys are serious fixer uppers by most people’s standards. But who doesn’t love a project?They do have one very important thing going for them. They are into me. And not just because I am sleeping with them.

And that’s pretty nice for a change.

Categories: See Jane Give Up Dick

Comments (4)


  1. Aunt Carol says:

    August 4, 2010

    My dear devin. I find your blog to be very interesting and thought provoking. I enjoy your sense of humor and inner thoughts of a woman your age. You have a book inside you so keep up the good work....I will keep reading! Reply

    • waitresseesall says:

      August 4, 2010

      I know I should probably be embarrassed... thanks aunt carol. That's the goal. Reply

  2. Megan says:

    August 4, 2010

    I love you! You are very talented woman! Reply

    • waitresseesall says:

      August 5, 2010

      Thanks lady!!! Reply

Write a comment

Leave a Reply to Aunt Carol Cancel